My Life without God

At 19, I felt it was interesting to live a life filled with my knowledge, my knowledge about life, my ideas about pain and struggles. I thought I knew it all. As my knowledge expanded, so did destruction surround its expansion. As time passed, I gained admission into the University, and never for once did I not pray to God. My environment was a cursed one as every month 3-5 persons died by different means. I prayed for my environment, I prayed for God's guidance, I prayed for my education, and after 5 years, everything came out right.

I got into another environment after school, and it was different from what I expected. I was in Benue state for my youth service and every day was also a prayer session with God. I would at least thank God, and pray that my life will be made meaningful. In everything I did, God came first. In as much as I wasn't into reading devotional passages daily, I always said something to God. I finished my service corp, and it was time for me to get involved with the business environment. It didn't take long for me to get called for my first interview. I went for the test, came out the best, out of 500 of us, 7 were picked. And after several stages of the interview, I conquered them all, and was given the job. But this wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't go to God in prayers, and I decided to make the decision myself.

Other interviews came, I failed some, and finally gained my first job in the telecommunication industry. I was at it for a while, and one thing I learned about life was giving. I gave till my heart was almost asked for. I worked in that organisation for 3 yrs and never gave any tithe to God, thereby robbing God of his percentage and doings in my life. I didn't go to church, I lost my touch with God. All he wanted from me was to ask, and he would tell, but I decided to live with my knowledge. My knowledge of failure.

I saved up some money afterwards and went to do my masters in the UK. I got there and it got more difficult for me to understand life, to live happy. Every day passed and there was no one to hate, I developed to hating myself more. I latched on to my hate, stubbornly as one hate passes away, I forced myself to deal with pain. After a year, I graduated from the University and had my masters degree and came back to the country. Whilst in Nigeria, I focused more on inspirational words from people, I will take notes of what interests me, and go through them day and night. I forgot the bible was there to direct me, I focused more on people, which was where I stumbled. If I had focused more on God, those people who I focused on would have stumbled.

My life without God got me to hate myself, brought pains into my life, and everyday I live in fear. I dream dreams not about me, but about people I don't know about, and they are terrible dreams. How do I find these people and tell them what I have dreamed of? My greatest regrets are preceded by series of unwise choices I have made for my life which has led me to where I am today. I am venting my feelings to everyone, which is wrong, but I am doing this from the bottom of my heart so that if God doesn't want to hear from me anymore, he can read this from the hearts of others.