At 11, I realized certain things about growth and development. I realized that I needed to be at the same level I saw my friends. I learned that development takes its form in stages, and not everyone would reach that stage at the same time. The phase of life starts from a cycle and it evolves around, within that cycle a process evolves, and whatever process is involved, things happen, and in my phase, I discovered I remained the same.
At 21, I looked the same, and my parents thought something was wrong and I was taken to the hospital. The doctor just thought I had not reached that phase of development yet, and he prescribed a number of medications. 'Eat vegetables, and just keep eating'. Each passing day I looked at my chest and stilled looked like a boy, Nothing changed. I remained the same, I was different from every other person who were of the same age as I was. I had it in mind that my destination was no longer a phase, but a process in sight.
On one occasion, a friend had her birthday party at her house and she invited all her friends. I bought this dress I had not worn, I needed to wear it, and so I told my friend I will be coming for this party. I got dressed and I visited her, met all our friends and we had a couple of drinks. We visited this club, to get our groove on. We got to the club, my friends were allowed in, but I wasn't. I showed my ID card to them, they didn't believe me. I had to go home and this act continued for a rather long time, clubbing to me was rather over-rated.
I visited Norway for work, and I spent some few weeks there. I suffered seizures, which often happened in the past. I was taken to the hospital, and when I gained consciousness, I was asked about my health records, told them I had not grown a bit ever since I was a certain age, and I was diagnosed. I got my result and I was diagnosed of Kallmann's syndrome. I discovered that there is no gift of life without pain. I discovered that in beauty, order and and disorder stands out. In my disorder, a lot of people wished to have, I felt terribly pained. As I get older, I remain the same, I age, but I don't change. The doctor tells me it will change in time, and in time, I have remained the same. My disorder makes me feel alone in this world, but yet not alone enough, it makes me tiny, but yet not tiny enough, I want my own will, I want simply to be with my will as it goes towards action, and in those quiet and hard times, as I think, reality takes my pain away, It brings me back to my struggles. An awesome part is my vivid imagination, and that is where my talent comes from my disorder, but what has become my curse is my order of manic imagination. I want my grasp of pain to be described like a painting, that a lot will look closely for a long time, my disorder has become my freedom jailer, my enemy of growth, and at age 41, because of my disordered beauty, I can't have kids.
My disorder, my problem designed as a gift, my problem to which I grow, my path through which I have built my castle, my disorder, my pain, my death, my growth a betrayal.
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